I just wish I could be happy.
My depression is kicking in again.
Help.

Hero to Zero

Wow, been a while since I wrote on here. It all feels new. Life has changed so much within the short amount of months. I have lost so much and gained just as much. Right now, my world feels so out of balance.

I'm back at my mom's house. She scooped me up today. Me, arrested, who ever thought that would happen? Not I. Or anyone else for that matter. But it wasn't too bad. My first offense and one night in jail made it to where I NEVER want a second offense. For those of you who are wondering, it was shoplifting. Yeah, the most stupid of all. Then to top the icing on the cake, it was candy and hair dye. Oops.

Time to shape up.

Just a little venting.

Don't get me wrong. The person I'm venting to is someone I love very much. With all my heart. She's my best friend, my sister. But sometimes, like right now, she just puts me in this down mood and I can't stand it.

The guy I'm dating, Dustin, is her ex boyfriend. I talked to her about it before I even thought about dating him. She left him for Andy, her soulmate who she's loved forever (literally). So she said she was cool with it. I know it's against girl code to go with your best friends ex...but you don't live in LaGrange, the rules don't apply here.

Well I think she's starting to form some kind of jealousy. When they were together, they weren't that stable. Constantly breaking up and what not. They just didn't fit. He never really wrote statuses about her or said he was gonna get out of the "game" for her and certainly never picked her over Jason. Well...a month already and I got all that. We just fit together. We've liked each other since the day we met (Yeah..when they were together..that's not good I know but we never did anything.)

But it hurts that I can't talk to Becca about how happy I am. She says I can...but she always says to stay careful because hell most likely hurt me. That makes me sad. I hope it gets better.

MMMMHMMMMM

:-)
Hello there! How are you?	I'm doing fantasticles
Do you have any open sores/scabs/cuts/blisters on your body?	Hmm not sure
How did they get there?	If I have them...it's probably from falling.
In your household, do you and your partner share the chores equally, or....	Me & Mom split the chores
Ok-who mows the lawn and fixes shit?	My mom
Have you taken any sort of pill/drug/other substance in the last 20 minutes?	Nope
How ya feeling?	Great
If you could have a field of any type of flower growing in your back yard, what would it be?	Lavender
Whose house did you last have a BBQ/cook-out at?	Mine
Where there any relatives there, and in particular, any that you can't STAND?	Yes there was family and not really any I couldn't stand.
Are you currently in an air conditioned room?	Yep
Do you have goose-bumps? If not, what tends to give you goose-bumps?	None yet. But being cold does.
Name a planet you'd love to visit, if life on it was possible?	Venus
Do you prefer digital clocks, or the old-fashioned variety?	Digital
When you're going out and need to look nice, what item from your wardrobe do you always go for?	Anything black
Do you need a cookbook to whip up your favorite dish, or do you know it by heart?	I need someone else to cook it lol
Name something you think you're better than your BFF at doing:	Becca - most school stuff David - making out lol
What is the speed limit on your road? Do you follow it?	Uh.......not sure and I don't
Do you know what year your house was built?	Nope
Do you know what year your grandparents were born in?	Yep
Have you ever seen a naked corpse, or would you like to?	Uh...on tv I have...not pleasant
Would you rob a grave for ten thousand dollars?	Yes
Would you bury someone alive for twenty thousand dollars?	Depends
This is getting abstract, isn't it?	Sure
Have you ever wondered why guys grow beards and mustaches?	Nope
Would you rather have a Dodge 2500 quad-cab, or a Ford Ranger?	how bout a hippie van??/
Are there any dead celebrities that you'd LOVE to bring back?	KURT COBAIN!!!!!!! HEATH LEDGER!!!!!!!
Which bill costs you the most amount of money each month?	I bet it's electricity
Have you ever rented something from Rent-A-Center?	My mom has
Do you still keep in touch with people via snail mail? Who? Why?	Nope
Would you stop and explore an abandoned summer camp, if you stumbled upon one?	Yes
What are you in the mood for, in terms of food, right now?	Hmm....pierogies
Is there any of said food available?	No :(
Does it annoy you when you try to talk to people online and they don't talk back?	YES
Have you found your purpose in life yet?	Nope
Are there any wild animals that frequently wonder into your yard?	Deer
Ever shot one?	No
Is the PC you're now using, having issues of some sort?	It's a school computer that won't let me on fb...that's its issue
Can someone PLEASE tell me what the fuck the point of having a "Smart Phone" is?	I don't even know
Can someone tell me what the point of this survey is?	Boredom
And to all, a FLAMING, CRASHING FLIGHT! HA HA
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

College

So this morning I had a meeting with my guidance counselor and mother. It was about college. All the stuff I had to do and everything. I don't mind taking the ACT or the SAT. They're just tests. Tests never bothered me. The only thing is really getting at me is that I don't even know where I want to go. There's plenty of choices...but I'm still unsure.

I have the University of Miami definitely on my mind. I'm a big canes fan...but going there would mean going back to Florida. Not sure I wanna go back there. Same reason I'm unsure about Stetson.

I could stay here and go to LaGrange College..or use my two free years at West Ga Tech. But then again...not sure if I want to stay here.

My last choice is University of Michigan. I'd be a wolverine and my mother would love that. But Michigan is too damn cold. LoL.

I wish I could just do what I normally do and let if flow. But according to the older ones...I have to get started now. Great.

Things change.

Whether we want them to or not...things tend to change on us. Sometimes it just happens out of the blue. Can knock us down when we finally got the strength to stand. Sometimes it's just bothersome and you wonder how it happened.

It seems like my friend & I,  we're changing. It feels like I just bother her. I'm trying not to. But she does seem....different. I know I'm different. Maybe we're not good together when we're different.

I never thought I'd see myself knowing what an actual family is. But that changed. I now have a family to fight for. One I would risk my life for. Stick up for no matter what. Funny thing is, they're not blood related.

I thought I would never want kids. I've dealt with them all my life. But then again, here I am kinda wishing I was pregnant. I know I'd be a good mother. I know I have to wait, but I never thought I'd want them at all.

I never realized how much I changed untill I looked at myself in the mirror and read my old journal. It's amazing how things can come and sneak up like that. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not. But I can't sit and find out. I have to live life because it's always changing and I don't want to miss any of it.

So it's pathetic

Even though I've made it clear that I don't want anything to do with my dad. I still miss him.
Or at least the way he was.
I do miss being a daddy's girl.
Sure, I've got Lee and Daddy Bowen.
But they're not MY dad.
My mom doesn't understand because she never had a dad. Lee doesn't understand because his dad's always been there for him. Becca's parents are still together.
Heather was never really close to her dad like I was with mine.
I miss it. Sadly.