I just wish I could be happy.
My depression is kicking in again.
Help.

Hero to Zero

Wow, been a while since I wrote on here. It all feels new. Life has changed so much within the short amount of months. I have lost so much and gained just as much. Right now, my world feels so out of balance.

I'm back at my mom's house. She scooped me up today. Me, arrested, who ever thought that would happen? Not I. Or anyone else for that matter. But it wasn't too bad. My first offense and one night in jail made it to where I NEVER want a second offense. For those of you who are wondering, it was shoplifting. Yeah, the most stupid of all. Then to top the icing on the cake, it was candy and hair dye. Oops.

Time to shape up.

Just a little venting.

Don't get me wrong. The person I'm venting to is someone I love very much. With all my heart. She's my best friend, my sister. But sometimes, like right now, she just puts me in this down mood and I can't stand it.

The guy I'm dating, Dustin, is her ex boyfriend. I talked to her about it before I even thought about dating him. She left him for Andy, her soulmate who she's loved forever (literally). So she said she was cool with it. I know it's against girl code to go with your best friends ex...but you don't live in LaGrange, the rules don't apply here.

Well I think she's starting to form some kind of jealousy. When they were together, they weren't that stable. Constantly breaking up and what not. They just didn't fit. He never really wrote statuses about her or said he was gonna get out of the "game" for her and certainly never picked her over Jason. Well...a month already and I got all that. We just fit together. We've liked each other since the day we met (Yeah..when they were together..that's not good I know but we never did anything.)

But it hurts that I can't talk to Becca about how happy I am. She says I can...but she always says to stay careful because hell most likely hurt me. That makes me sad. I hope it gets better.

MMMMHMMMMM

:-)
Hello there! How are you?	I'm doing fantasticles
Do you have any open sores/scabs/cuts/blisters on your body?	Hmm not sure
How did they get there?	If I have them...it's probably from falling.
In your household, do you and your partner share the chores equally, or....	Me & Mom split the chores
Ok-who mows the lawn and fixes shit?	My mom
Have you taken any sort of pill/drug/other substance in the last 20 minutes?	Nope
How ya feeling?	Great
If you could have a field of any type of flower growing in your back yard, what would it be?	Lavender
Whose house did you last have a BBQ/cook-out at?	Mine
Where there any relatives there, and in particular, any that you can't STAND?	Yes there was family and not really any I couldn't stand.
Are you currently in an air conditioned room?	Yep
Do you have goose-bumps? If not, what tends to give you goose-bumps?	None yet. But being cold does.
Name a planet you'd love to visit, if life on it was possible?	Venus
Do you prefer digital clocks, or the old-fashioned variety?	Digital
When you're going out and need to look nice, what item from your wardrobe do you always go for?	Anything black
Do you need a cookbook to whip up your favorite dish, or do you know it by heart?	I need someone else to cook it lol
Name something you think you're better than your BFF at doing:	Becca - most school stuff David - making out lol
What is the speed limit on your road? Do you follow it?	Uh.......not sure and I don't
Do you know what year your house was built?	Nope
Do you know what year your grandparents were born in?	Yep
Have you ever seen a naked corpse, or would you like to?	Uh...on tv I have...not pleasant
Would you rob a grave for ten thousand dollars?	Yes
Would you bury someone alive for twenty thousand dollars?	Depends
This is getting abstract, isn't it?	Sure
Have you ever wondered why guys grow beards and mustaches?	Nope
Would you rather have a Dodge 2500 quad-cab, or a Ford Ranger?	how bout a hippie van??/
Are there any dead celebrities that you'd LOVE to bring back?	KURT COBAIN!!!!!!! HEATH LEDGER!!!!!!!
Which bill costs you the most amount of money each month?	I bet it's electricity
Have you ever rented something from Rent-A-Center?	My mom has
Do you still keep in touch with people via snail mail? Who? Why?	Nope
Would you stop and explore an abandoned summer camp, if you stumbled upon one?	Yes
What are you in the mood for, in terms of food, right now?	Hmm....pierogies
Is there any of said food available?	No :(
Does it annoy you when you try to talk to people online and they don't talk back?	YES
Have you found your purpose in life yet?	Nope
Are there any wild animals that frequently wonder into your yard?	Deer
Ever shot one?	No
Is the PC you're now using, having issues of some sort?	It's a school computer that won't let me on fb...that's its issue
Can someone PLEASE tell me what the fuck the point of having a "Smart Phone" is?	I don't even know
Can someone tell me what the point of this survey is?	Boredom
And to all, a FLAMING, CRASHING FLIGHT! HA HA
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College

So this morning I had a meeting with my guidance counselor and mother. It was about college. All the stuff I had to do and everything. I don't mind taking the ACT or the SAT. They're just tests. Tests never bothered me. The only thing is really getting at me is that I don't even know where I want to go. There's plenty of choices...but I'm still unsure.

I have the University of Miami definitely on my mind. I'm a big canes fan...but going there would mean going back to Florida. Not sure I wanna go back there. Same reason I'm unsure about Stetson.

I could stay here and go to LaGrange College..or use my two free years at West Ga Tech. But then again...not sure if I want to stay here.

My last choice is University of Michigan. I'd be a wolverine and my mother would love that. But Michigan is too damn cold. LoL.

I wish I could just do what I normally do and let if flow. But according to the older ones...I have to get started now. Great.

Things change.

Whether we want them to or not...things tend to change on us. Sometimes it just happens out of the blue. Can knock us down when we finally got the strength to stand. Sometimes it's just bothersome and you wonder how it happened.

It seems like my friend & I,  we're changing. It feels like I just bother her. I'm trying not to. But she does seem....different. I know I'm different. Maybe we're not good together when we're different.

I never thought I'd see myself knowing what an actual family is. But that changed. I now have a family to fight for. One I would risk my life for. Stick up for no matter what. Funny thing is, they're not blood related.

I thought I would never want kids. I've dealt with them all my life. But then again, here I am kinda wishing I was pregnant. I know I'd be a good mother. I know I have to wait, but I never thought I'd want them at all.

I never realized how much I changed untill I looked at myself in the mirror and read my old journal. It's amazing how things can come and sneak up like that. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not. But I can't sit and find out. I have to live life because it's always changing and I don't want to miss any of it.

So it's pathetic

Even though I've made it clear that I don't want anything to do with my dad. I still miss him.
Or at least the way he was.
I do miss being a daddy's girl.
Sure, I've got Lee and Daddy Bowen.
But they're not MY dad.
My mom doesn't understand because she never had a dad. Lee doesn't understand because his dad's always been there for him. Becca's parents are still together.
Heather was never really close to her dad like I was with mine.
I miss it. Sadly.

A song for Becca :)

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you


You make things alright when I'm feeling blue



You are such a blessing and I wont be messing

with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness



You're my best friend

and I love you, and I love you

Yes I do



There is no other one who can take your place

I feel happy inside when I see your face

I hope you believe me

'Cause I speak sincerely

and I mean it when I tell you that I need you



You're my best friend

and I love you, and I love you

Yes I do



I'm here right beside you

I will never leave you

and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying



You're my best friend

and I love you, and I love you

Yes I do



You're my best friend

and I love you, and I love you

Yes I do

Yes I do...

Yes I do

Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday.
It was probably one of my worst, but at the same time, greatest birthdays.
I realized who my real friends are and who really cares about me.
I got more money than I really ever have on a birthday...which is good. I need an actual phone plan. Prepaid is lame.
My mom & I actually got along too. It was quite amazing.

But most of all, thank you Bowens for being there and spending time with me on my birthday. It meant alot to me. I love y'all with all my heart. <3

So all in all. What a fantastic weekend.

Happy Birthday to me

One more year.
One less year.
Happy.
Sad.
Not sure how to feel.
All I know is that time keeps going.

Meat

I wish I could cry.
I wish I could shed a tear.
I wish I could feel some pain.
Just a bit of sadness because you're not here.

Step out of this world.
Join you by your side.
Say my final words.
Release my last goodbye.

Missing our talks,
and the jokes that made me laugh.
Remembering the stuff we never did,
finally starts to make me sad.

It's hard to think you're gone.
It's hard to say goodbye.
I wish it never happened.
I wish you were still alive.

 - Layla Lockdown



I miss you Jonathon! R.I.P!

Just some thinking going on.....

So, we already figured out that loneliness is what triggers my depression into coming back. So that's what I'm trying to avoid. This is why the choice of moving out sounds like a good one.

Becca said I can live with her. Actual seriousness too. I want that. The Bowen house is what I need. I need that restriction. A bedtime, someone to make me study & do my homework. Friends and caring people around me all the time.

Let's hope this happens.

I guess I feel like blogging about my thoughts on you guys lately.

Becca Bowen - Lately you've been the bestest friend I can ever ask for. We seem to be spending a whole lot of time together lately and we might even live together soon. I'm really hoping that works out. You seem to be the one who always makes me happy lately and I love your family. I wish my mom was like yours. I'm lucky to have you as....well...a sister.

Heather Bradshaw - Lately, me & you keep getting into fights. That's so unlike us. We seem to be drifting this year, it's quite upsetting. It seems that texting is the only way to get to you. I know most of it is because you have Timmy now and other friends, but still. Can we please try and stop with all the drama??? lol Ilys.

Kaitlyn Miller - Girl, I don't even know. Me & you got close real quick. We seem to mesh well I guess. I hope to become best friends with you this year. :)

Jason Szkapi - I love you way too much to ever try and hurt you or get mad at you. I hate that.

Megan Bates - Babe, you crazy & I love it! You make my days in 3rd & 4th period! I can't wait to save lives with you!

Mom - I love you and I always will. You're my mom. But living with you is not for me. I need a better environment.

Bowens - All of you, even you Raymond (even though you're not a Bowen) are amazing. This family is crazy & i love every part of it. :)

David McCarty - I love you so much bgf. Nuff said.

Dustin Sheppard - You're such a douche sometimes, but I love you anyways :)

So tonight was a night of mixed emotions. But as long as I'm strong, I can get through it. :)

My childhood lol

Jimi Hendrix is orgasmic

.:*blah*:.
How tall are you?	5 foot 1
Do you like bananas?	Yeppers
What is your favorite song of all time?	Numb by Linkin Park
What do you do on Fridays?	Hang with someone
Flip flops or sandals?	Flip Flops
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?	Vitamin Water
Have you had a beer in the past week?	Nope.
If you could have one super human power, what would you choose?	Shapeshifting
What is your favorite place?	Any place with my friends
Do you read Harry Potter books?	Not anymore..I don't re-read books
What is your favorite food?	Cereal lol
Where do you want to travel next?	Somewhere with my friends....Miami or Panama or somewhere
What is your favorite PJ fabric?	Umm....depends lol
Boat or bus?	Boat
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?	Ignore
Do you shower every single day?	No
Kill the spider or let it out?	Kill it
What is your favorite TV show?	Boy Meets World...Degrassi...Dexter...so many lol
Do you eat cold cereal at night?	Yes!
Define yourself in 3 words?	Honest. Non-judgemental. Trustworthy.
Would you rather be blind or death?	Blind
Are you a cat or a dog person?	Cat....I'm too lazy for a dog
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?	laugh
Favorite fruit?	Uh......grapes & starfruit
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?	Milk & Cookies
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?	I'm young...I didn't vote
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape or other?	Google Chrome
What was your last thought?	I'm so hungry
Favorite element?	Hmm air or earth
Where is Waldo?	In between my legs
Do you support Paris?	Ehh
Why did the chicken cross the road?	To come be my dinner
Your favorite Disney films?	Beauty & the Beast, Lion King, & Hercules
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?	Rapist Van
Most embarrassing moment?	There's quite a bit lol
Most memorable past?	Yoo Hoo every morning with my Dad
What is your favorite clothing brand?	I don't have one lol
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?	Concert
Favorite Place to Eat?	Buffets
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?	Hmm.....arm
Would you rather be hot or cold?	cold
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel?	AT&T
Water or 100% Juice?	100% Juice
What size shoe do you wear?	IDK...like 6??
How do you feel?	Okay :)
Romance or Kinky Sex?	BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get the number or give the number?	get
When do you plan on getting married?	When I'm sure I'm ready
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?	None yet
Who do you admire most?	Myself lol jk
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?	Cats. 3 of them.
Where do you see yourself in five years?	College
If you had only six months to live, what would you do first?	Have Sex
What is your favourite word?	Awesome
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?	Greece or Canada
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My friends :)

About My Friends:

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Do You Have A Lot Of Friends?	I actually do
Who Is Your Best Friend?	Heather or Becca...or Kaitlyn
Which Friend(s) have you known the longest?	Ashley
Craziest?	Kaitlyn
Funniest?	Hmm...Brandon as of late
Most Attractive?	Justin Walker. lmao
Best Dressed?	I love the way Heather & Kaitlyn dress
Oldest?	Um... Ashley
Youngest?	Uh.....Lindsey or Iiaonna
Tallest?	Jacey
Smallest?	Besides me....Megan
Smartest?	Elisabeth
Most Trustworthy?	Heather & Sammi
Who Do You Talk To The Most?	Alot of people but I think David has them beat
Who Do You Hangout With The Most?	David, Kaitlyn, & Becca
Do You Have A Crush On Any Of Your Friends?	................................2 of them lol
Name 1 Friend That Drinks	(all of them) Kaitlyn
Name 1 Friend That Smokes	Dustin
Who Calls You The Most?	Nobody in there right mind actually calls me lol
Who Texts You The Most?	David
Friend(s) you haven't seen in a while	Ashley
Wisest?	Hmm....they're all wise in different areas...but probably Jason
Prepiest?	Amber
Punkest?	Heather
Loudest?	KAITLYN
Cool To Chill With?	All of them..lol
Where Do You Hangout With Your Friends The Most?	My house, lake, or their house
Random Friend	Damien
Last Place You Hungout With A Friend?	My house
Last Friend You Saw?	Jacey
Last Friend That Called You?	Uhh....idk lol
Who Do You Talk To On The Phone The Most?	Stephen
Do You Enjoy Talking To Them?	Yes
Kindest?	Sammi & Elisabeth
Meanest?	Roland
Who You Talk To Most On The Internet?	Justin
Most Like You?	Lindsey or Iiaonna
Who Knows The Real You?	Heather
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It Seems Like...

All I have to do to get attention these days is to change my style a bit.
My glasses started to annoy me, I stopped wearing.
I started finding ways to make my wardrobe all punkish, I started dressing like that.
I started teasing my hair so I could do something with it.
My makeup's been getting a little better.

Now that all of that has been done, I get alot more attention. Are people really that into looks??

Atlas

Life isn't really hard right now, but it feels like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders.
I think it's because several things are being thrown at me and I'm trying to balance everything.
School, social life, family life, trying to find a job, and actually hoping for a boyfriend.

So far my grades...well French anyway is slipping. I don't want to fail any classes again.
My social life is sky rocketing. I'm actually always doing something on the weekends now. I've craved this and I don't want to let it go. But I might have to. Just a little at least.
I hardly spend time with my family anymore and I know I should because my grandparents keep nagging.
Since my social life is sky rocketing, I constantly need money I don't have. Between my phone & my college class...I'm drained.
I'm also sick & tired of seeing all these cute couples. I hate being picky too. I just want a boyfriend who I can actually like and appreciate.

It's amazing how much better you feel after catching up on your sleep and having a good breakfast. No wonder all the non-bus riders look cheerful. Haha.