Depression

Have you ever been depressed? No, not the type of depression where you're just angry from a test, a break up, or the fact that you got grounded. The type of depression to where you have to find reasons to live. Where everyday is a struggle. Where a tiny heartache can hurt you more than you can ever imagine and death doesn't seem so bad. Well that's the type of depression I have felt. I still tend to feel this way.


Everyday I have to look at the mirror and tell myself that I'm beautiful. Text my friends to remind myself that I have them. Hug my baby siblings to feel loved and see innocent smiles. I don't know why I am the way I am. I wish I was different. But I tend to think that even though depression might make me feel weak, I might be stronger than those without depression because they don't really have to fight so hard.


I have thought about suicide but I have NEVER attempted it. I have cut & scratched myself, but not enough to take me to the hospital or attract attention. I have broke down and have never wanted to come out of bed. I didn't want to listen to anything remotely happy or watch anything.Not wanting to eat. I wanted to just give up. But I'm still here.


I restarted my life after the last major break down. I moved to Georgia to live with my mom. Sure I still have my moments, but I know that life is worth the challenge. It may not be great now or at some other points, but I remember that there are good things. The laughter that's shared with friends after a great day of hanging out. The feel of a kiss or a hand intertwined in yours. The proud feeling you get when you accomplish something.


So to any of you with depression, don't give up. I believe in you.

My IV

With your long hair
and your piercing eyes,
it's no wonder you got me hypnotized.

I love it when you tickle me,
I love it when we kiss.
Can't stand not being around you,
you're too hard to resist.

You're my IV, you keep me stablized.
You're the one I always need when I'm breaking into cries.
So hold me tight, never let go.
Take me by the hand, let this love grow.

When I'm playing with your long hair,
or staring into those piercing eyes,
I've got this feeling. I've got nerves. I'm hypnotized.

When you tickle me, I can't help but laugh.
When we kiss, forever's how long I hope it lasts.
And when you're not around me, I miss you.
You're like a drug that's hard to resist, and I don't want to.

You're my IV, you keep me stablized.
You're the one I always need when I'm breaking into cries.
So hold me tight, never let go.
Take me by the hand, let this love grow.

For When I Die Mom

           Mom, all my life, I've been confused about our relationship. We never had a typical mother/daughter bond. I always wondered if you would be happy if you'd never had me. I felt like a curse, not a blessing.
            But all in all, you did what you had to to make sure me, Alex, AJ, Lee, & Jenna were fed. I love you and glad I had you as a mom. Please make sure Alex and AJ are always happy.

                       Sincerely,
                          Layla

My letter to Dad if I die.

         I used to be your little girl. I looked up to you. But quite frankly, you're an asshole.
I tried so hard to spread my wings, move on, and do new things. But that wasn't good enough for you.
         You wanted me to stay in West Palm forever...but that's not me. I can't be in one place forever. You couldn't understand that.
          You never let me live it down that I went to go live with Mom. But the truth is, I didn't want to live with either one. You guys are both aggravating because of your mood swings and personality changes. But I do have to give you some credit.
              .......At least you kept me.
         I just hope that one day you open your eyes and realize that not everything is about you, or is meant to please you.
            
                                      Sincerely,
                                             Layla

Dear Dad, Fuck You

You're such an asshole and sometimes I'd wish you'd die.
I wish your ass would pay for all the times you made me cry.
I know I mess up and I make mistakes.
But I never thought you would resort to all this hate.
Don't you miss me? Just a little bit? Or even at all?
It sucks that you don't even say hi whenever I try to call.
I'm done with the trying. I'm done with the tears being shed.
I'll just do you a favor, I'll stay away. I'm practically dead.

A Part Of Me I Can't Understand

How I can find a guy who's absolutely amazing and I always fuck it up just because I can't feel a spark. I wish I wasn't like this sometimes.

These Things On My Mind

Singleness
I feel lonely and incomplete.
I want someone to love.
Someone who loves me back.
Who won't treat me like shit.
Who can handle me at my best & worst.
I try to be strong and say I don't care, that's bullshit.
I hate being single.

My Family
It's like my mom only likes me when I'm away.
My Stepdad likes me more than she does.
My Uncle Paul is fucking annoying.
All this family can do is start drama and it get's on my nerves.
Taylor & Kathi are the only ones that I seem to genuinely withstand.
I miss having a dad in my life.
My Aunt just reunited with her son Robert. She wants to find Jimmy too. But why the hell does she not want to find Jesse? Oh yeah, she's retarded. Fucked up right?

Friends
Heather seems to be the one I can talk to about anything. My best friend.
Sammi & I are drifting,
I hate being the middle man sometimes.
I can't even stand most of my guy friends anymore.

Myself
I'm a horrible person with some of the things I do.
My self-esteem is going down again.
This fucking sunburn hurts like a bitch.
I think I'm ready to have sex. I just don't know who to do it with.
I keep gaining weight.
I'm excessively reading again.
I need to do better next year in school.
I feel like I'm failing.
I'm awesome though.