My Blog List

Saturday, June 12, 2010

For When I Die Mom

           Mom, all my life, I've been confused about our relationship. We never had a typical mother/daughter bond. I always wondered if you would be happy if you'd never had me. I felt like a curse, not a blessing.
            But all in all, you did what you had to to make sure me, Alex, AJ, Lee, & Jenna were fed. I love you and glad I had you as a mom. Please make sure Alex and AJ are always happy.


My letter to Dad if I die.

         I used to be your little girl. I looked up to you. But quite frankly, you're an asshole.
I tried so hard to spread my wings, move on, and do new things. But that wasn't good enough for you.
         You wanted me to stay in West Palm forever...but that's not me. I can't be in one place forever. You couldn't understand that.
          You never let me live it down that I went to go live with Mom. But the truth is, I didn't want to live with either one. You guys are both aggravating because of your mood swings and personality changes. But I do have to give you some credit.
              .......At least you kept me.
         I just hope that one day you open your eyes and realize that not everything is about you, or is meant to please you.

Dear Dad, Fuck You

You're such an asshole and sometimes I'd wish you'd die.
I wish your ass would pay for all the times you made me cry.
I know I mess up and I make mistakes.
But I never thought you would resort to all this hate.
Don't you miss me? Just a little bit? Or even at all?
It sucks that you don't even say hi whenever I try to call.
I'm done with the trying. I'm done with the tears being shed.
I'll just do you a favor, I'll stay away. I'm practically dead.

A Part Of Me I Can't Understand

How I can find a guy who's absolutely amazing and I always fuck it up just because I can't feel a spark. I wish I wasn't like this sometimes.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

These Things On My Mind

I feel lonely and incomplete.
I want someone to love.
Someone who loves me back.
Who won't treat me like shit.
Who can handle me at my best & worst.
I try to be strong and say I don't care, that's bullshit.
I hate being single.

My Family
It's like my mom only likes me when I'm away.
My Stepdad likes me more than she does.
My Uncle Paul is fucking annoying.
All this family can do is start drama and it get's on my nerves.
Taylor & Kathi are the only ones that I seem to genuinely withstand.
I miss having a dad in my life.
My Aunt just reunited with her son Robert. She wants to find Jimmy too. But why the hell does she not want to find Jesse? Oh yeah, she's retarded. Fucked up right?

Heather seems to be the one I can talk to about anything. My best friend.
Sammi & I are drifting,
I hate being the middle man sometimes.
I can't even stand most of my guy friends anymore.

I'm a horrible person with some of the things I do.
My self-esteem is going down again.
This fucking sunburn hurts like a bitch.
I think I'm ready to have sex. I just don't know who to do it with.
I keep gaining weight.
I'm excessively reading again.
I need to do better next year in school.
I feel like I'm failing.
I'm awesome though.